Cringeworthy Oscar Speeches

 

 

Invariably, most winners resort to the 'shopping list' and, desperately racing against the clock, reel off a plethora of names that mean absolutely nothing to anyone but themselves ("I want to thank Billy Smith, Cheryl Jones, Peggy Sue Thompson..."). There's also a great deal of thanking God (mostly by the Americans) - mercifully not to the excruciating extent of The Grammys.

Let's not forget the recipients who, carried away by their victory, have a nervous breakdown at the microphone. Sorry ladies, but our sex tends to dominate this category. Just off the top of my head, I can remember an urge to puke after Gwyneth Paltrow spouted her load of nonsense; Julia Roberts and Halle Berry induced similar emotions. We name and shame Oscars' awful speech-makers in our gallery. But first, over to Gwyneth, (Best Actress, Shakespeare In Love, 1998) and her vomit-inducing speech in full, glorious Technicolor...

 

"Oh, I would like to thank the Academy from the bottom of my heart! I would like to thank Emily Watson and Fernanda Montenegro, and my friend Cate Blanchett and the greatest one who ever was, Meryl Streep. I don't feel very deserving of this in your presence, but I would like to thank Harvey Weinstein and everybody at Miramax Films for their undying support.

 

I wouldn't be in this auditorium, let alone up here, if it wasn't for two incredibly talented men; our director John Madden, thank you so much for all that you gave me, you are so inspiring, and to my soulful partner, Joseph Fiennes who I share this with. (the tears start flowing).

I would like to thank the rest of our miraculous cast and crew. Our producers Donna Gigliotti and David Parfitt...I didn't forget you this time! (laughing and sobbing). Especially, Jim McGill and Sophie Shant and my friend Ben Affleck. I would like to thank my wonderful agent Rick Kurtzman, who is a beautiful man and a wonderful agent. And in his case that is not an oxymoron! I would like to thank Harold Brown, Stuart Gelwarg and Steven Huvane. 

 

I would not have been able to play this role had I not understood love with a tremendous magnitude, and for that I thank my family; (wailing) my mother Blythe Danner, who I love more than anything, and my brother Jake Paltrow who is just the dearest person in the whole world.

My earthly guardian angel Mary Wigmore. (wailing) and especially to my father Bruce Paltrow (wailing) who has surmounted any surmountable obstacles this year. I love you more than anything in the world. And to my grandpa Buster (sob, sob), who almost made it here tonight, but couldn't quite get here (eh?). Grandpa, I want you to know that you have created a beautiful family who loves you and loves each other more than anything (sob, sob) and we thank you for that. I would like to dedicate this to two young men who lost their lives very early; Harrison Kravis and my cousin Keith Paltrow. We miss you very much and I thank you. Thank you so much everybody!" (leaves stage sobbing and wailing)